Motherhood or should I say, parenthood in this increasingly preposterous politically correct world, is an all encompassing adventure and a lifestyle change. You will now divert all your attention to your mini me who only thinks of herself. If it's a baby boy, you'll soon be considered a pro at strategic nappy changing in a bid to avoid being the unfortunate victim of the Pee Fountain (rather than the more glamorous Trevi Fountain). Instead of testing out the most volumizing and eyelash lengthening mascara in the market, you consider it a triumphant moment if you made it out of your house looking somewhat disheveled but you congratulate yourself because you have achieved what is otherwise known in the fashion world as nonchalant careless/effortless style a la Kate Moss.
You update your Facebook and gush to all your friends and family when your baby takes her first step. What an achievement! A miracle! (Cue all the secret eye rolling going on in the background from your childless friends) You videotape your child's piano recital/ballet/football/tennis etc. Because you're internet savvy these days, you upload it onto YouTube, Facebook, Vine..... oh what the heck, might as well pin it on Pinterest and tweet to all your followers. Meanwhile, your friends felt obliged to leave vacuous comments (cue more eye rolling).
Your child runs to you with a piece of drawing. *Repeat the social media updates. Oh. My. God. My child is a frigging genius. The next Picasso. Oh wait, he was too screwed up and sexually depraved. Perhaps, a Damien Hirst in the making. At least he has plenty of interns to help him glue the diamonds onto a skull. Meanwhile, you've signed up for Baby Gym, Baby massage, Jo Jingles, swimming etc..... to "stimulate" your child's brain. God forbid, the human evolution didn't equip us with enough brain cells.
You meet up with fellow moms. You talk about your child. Her sleep pattern. In detail. Her food intake. In detail. You moan about the lack of help you're getting from your husband. You feel like a cow aka milk machine. Wait a minute. You ARE a cow. Literally. There's practically no difference between the cows standing in the shed having their milk pumped out and you doing the same with a breast pump when you're not breastfeeding.
All joking aside. Motherhood is singularly the most frustrating and difficult journey yet it is also the most rewarding experience of your lifetime. To all the moms out there, give yourself a pat on the back. To all the ladies who are thinking of jumping onto the bandwagon, I hope I haven't scared you. My only advice to you is.....repeat after me......epidural (it's a miracle drug).
Happy Mother's Day!