Having straddled both the Asian and Western cultures for more than 20 years, it occurred to me that parenting styles from both continents couldn't be more different. As you can tell, I'm speaking from an Asian perspective here. It doesn't matter how long you've immigrated to a western country (namely, U.S, U.K, Canada, Australia or New Zealand), it takes several generations to water down the deeply rooted Confucian philosophy. Cos they don't just sit on your epidermis, they're wrapped around every blood cell in your body.
1.
Kiasu-ism
If you're a westerner, you'd be like....what the
fudge is she on about?
Kiasu? Is that even a word? Okay, let me break it down to you. The word is a bastardization of the hokkien dialect (a southern chinese dialect) meaning afraid (
kia) to lose (
su). Used in a parenting context, it's called being a Tiger Mom (or Dad). Got it?
Like Confucianism, Kiasu-ism is also a genetic affliction that's prevalent in any Asian culture. It's incurable. It is
not sexist nor ageist*. Kiasu-ism, however, is racist. The condition is widespread and extremely contagious particularly in Malaysia and Singapore. The Kiasu virus is deeply embedded in our Asian DNA. Let me give you a few examples to illustrate my point here.
Kiasu parents would:
- hire a tutor or send their kids to tuition to cover every subject in school so that they would be well versed before their teachers even got around to teaching the topic.
- force their kid to covertly find out their friends' (
and friends of friends' and friends of friends of friends') grades or tutor's names (
cos good tutors are more coveted and in demand than an Hermes Birkin).
- go to forums such as
kiasuparents.com to find out everything there is to know to ensure your kid will be the next Jerry Yang, Lang Lang etc.
-NOT want their kid to miss out on anything. Therefore, their little child prodigy will have to learn how to play the piano, violin, ballet, tennis, badminton, squash, swimming, Mandarin, French......... at the same time.
- pretend to be humble but brag about their kid's achievement
. (cue Singlish - Singaporean English or Manglish - Malaysian English here) My kid.... aaah... got A+ in everything. Music, some more got distinction. But no-lah, not very smart one. Very dumb.
*And a Kiasu grandparent would try to test their granddaughter's math ability via
Skype if they're separated by several continents.
2.
Severity of Punishment
Check out this scenario. You're a teenager. You sneak out of the house to hang out with your friends. Or perhaps catch a movie. Or secretly have a boyfriend and you're so in love that you want to spend every minute of the day with him. (
Notice I didn't bother including smoking, drinking, smoking pot etc cos if you have Asian parents, that will spell doomsday. Armageddon. End of the world. Total annihilation. You get the picture.) So you got caught and your parents have to dish out the punishment.
Western parents: (
trying to be calm but still frustrated)You're grounded. I'm so disappointed in you. What were you thinking? Your cellphone will be taken away for a week.
Asian parents: (
anger personified and borderline Hiroshima scale explosion) You bring shame to our family! You are
such a disappointment to us! I will disinherit you. I will lock you out of the house (and they will). You're grounded
forever with NO access to phone, TV and computer unless it's for school.
Now if you're just a young kid, say, 6 years old. And you diss your parents.
Western parents: Now sweetheart, that wasn't very nice, was it?
Please** show a little more respect. You've just lost a star on the reward chart.
Asian parents: Go to my room and bring me the cane.
**Asian parents NEVER say
please or
thank you to their kids.
3.
Having a relationship
This applies especially if you're a girl. An Asian parent would gladly buy a chastity belt for their daughter if it was still in existence. Every girl approaching puberty would have been given
THE TALK by her parents. You know, the one about
studies being of utmost importance to ensure a good future.
There will be plenty of time for boyfriends later blah blah blah blah blah. Again, notice the fact that we're not broaching on the subject of pre-marital sex or "sleepovers" because that will ensure another round of
total annihilation scenario.
But.....God forbid if YOU don't have a boyfriend at the ripe old age of 24. They fear you'll be on the shelf. Forever. A spinster. Their dreams of bouncing their next generation on their old knees completely decimated.
Poof. So they enlist their friends' help to set you up with a guy (a boy with good prospect, good family and he even owns his own house!!).